Don’t let the title fool you, this isn’t about gloom and doom as you might be accustomed to hearing from the 24 hour media circus. No, this will hopefully help us come to the understanding that conflict must exist within a community in order for it to prosper and grow. Still not making sense? Allow me to explain…
My employer recently had our management team engage in a team building exercise based on Pat Lencioni’s book ‘The Five Dysfunctions of a Team’. As someone who will always hunger for continued growth and self development, I was grateful that we had the opportunity to do this together. I won’t go through all of the book’s details but I highly recommend it to anyone who feels they are part of a team that is struggling to find cohesiveness.
One of the main dysfunctions mentioned in the book is “The Fear of Conflict”. Now, I have no doubt that we all understand what this means. I feel it’s safe to say that most Americans today have a heightened fear of conflict, more so than they may have typically experienced in the past. We could blame it on many contributing factors such as the recent and current political climate, the issues with the environment and how we move forward, or even the most basic and fundamental rights when it comes to race, gender, and religion.
Sure, it’s easy to just accept that these are the reasons that we’ve gained such a fear of conflict, but I don’t think any of the issues above are even remotely to blame.
I think the number one reason that we fear conflict is because none of us have a true grasp on what it means to engage in conflict.
What does conflict mean to you? In my case, I’ve always had a negative perception of conflict. Wars, political opposition, fighting on the streets of America and abroad, even things much closer to home like a shouting match between two family members or a stubborn disagreement with your neighbor. All of it sounds (and is) negative so my response has typically been to avoid conflict at all costs.
The examples above are indeed ones of conflict. The key takeaway, though, is that these are all examples of unhealthy conflict. Each example most likely started out as a mild disagreement or even a misperception amongst one of the parties involved but, rather than engaging in healthy conflict in order to reach a resolution, the scales tipped towards the dark side and all hell broke loose.
Healthy conflict? Is there such a thing?
Absolutely.
Let’s start by taking away any negative perception of conflict that we may have. Just set it to the side for a bit. When we disagree with someone, let’s use a coworker in this case, how do we approach the situation? We don’t, right? Let’s be honest with ourselves here, we typically do nothing. We say nothing to them, we give them that false nod of approval as they speak in meetings, but on the inside, things are starting to heat up. We complain about this person’s viewpoint to our friends and “allied colleagues” at happy hour, we vent about the situation to our spouse at home, yet we return to work each day with that forced smile. “Good morning” you say to this coworker as you walk past each other in the hall but you have a much stronger choice of words within your inner dialogue.
This internal disagreement goes on and on for weeks until one day, just like water coming to a boil, your emotions spill over and you erupt. What could have been resolved with a conversation has now left you and your colleague embarrassed and even more distant due to the heated and completely unproductive exchange that just took place.
This is an all too familiar scene in so many of our lives. Even worse, these scenarios are playing out each and every day in our local communities and our households. It feels so strange to type that last part… “our households”. Yes, we are even afraid of conflict with the people we love and trust the most. What an interesting time to be alive, huh?
Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. We have a choice to make when it comes to conflict. We can choose healthy or unhealthy conflict. This is similar to the many conversations we’ve had about light and darkness yet we have so much more control when it comes to how these affect the conflict that we engage in.
Instead of keeping everything to yourself, it’s imperative that you seek the answers from those that you disagree with. “I’m sorry, but I don’t agree. What is it that makes you feel that way? I’d be interested to learn more about that.” -or- “I see your point, but here’s my perspective.”
These are just a couple of examples that offer the opportunity to engage in healthy conflict. After all, what’s the harm in these statements above? I know what you’re going to say. These days, even the slightest hint of disagreement can trigger an emotional explosion from those that you try and engage so it’s much easier just to avoid it and let sleeping dogs lie. I get it. It’s true, we’ve reached a point as a society where our guard is up and we are on high alert for any opposing thoughts or beliefs that might be aimed in our direction. It’s tough to engage in healthy conflict right now, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t. In fact, it’s a giant red flag that’s warning us of an even deeper seeded threat to us as a family, as a community, as a nation. Continuing down our current path will lead to irreparable damage that will shift our course and lead us straight into darkness.
So, about this “healthy” conflict. Imagine a temperature gauge, like the one in your car or truck. When you’re driving, the last thing you want is to see that temperature gauge at or anywhere near the red area of the gauge. However, you also don’t want it to be all the way down at the coldest part of the gauge. It may sound better than it being in the red, but it is just as much of an indication of a problem if it were to be in the cold. Where you want that gauge to be is somewhere right in the middle. That means that everything is running as it should. This is also exactly where we want to be when we engage in conflict.
One thing I used to always say when people would express their fear of conflict was “It’s okay, just take the emotion out of it.” Well, I was wrong. Healthy conflict must include emotion because we are discussing things that mean something to us and are most likely tied to our core beliefs. The trick is to keep those emotions in that middle range of the gauge. As much as you fear that you run the risk of damaging or losing a relationship over a healthy conflict, I promise you the opposite will happen. You’ll find that it makes those relationships stronger. Yes, there will be emotions involved and, news flash, you won’t ever agree 100% on everything, but what you will find is common ground.
If you take anything away from this today, let it be those two words… Common ground. I still find it hard to believe that we as a society have become convinced that we all have to agree on everything. It’s laughable. What kind of a country would be be if we all agreed on everything right from the start? We’d look and act the same, innovation would not exist, and the very core of freedom would be absolutely meaningless.
We’ve never agreed on everything and we never will. What we always have done is find the resolution within the common ground. It’s always there. At no time on the history of the world has common ground failed to exist. It may not be jumping up and down trying to grab your attention, but it’s always there, you just have to agree to find it, together.
As always, I refuse to bring politics into these newsletters. I find such comfort in knowing that all types of people from all walks of life are reading these. This will always be a place on common ground for any and all to stand upon. What I will say is that healthy conflict is almost nonexistent in the halls of our government chambers. Local, state, and federal politics have reached unsettling new heights in the arena of conflict, which has unfortunately made its way into our communities and our homes. I’ll say this as loudly and as clearly as possible…
It all starts with us.
We do not look to our elected officials to set the tone of how we choose to engage each other. We set the example as we are the leaders who set the tone of how those we choose to represent us conduct themselves on our behalf.
Read that again and again until it sticks.
Let’s redefine our communities. Let’s talk to each other, listen to one another, and move forward together as a family, as a community, as a nation.
There’s never been a better time than right now.