Hey, take it easy; I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to me.  Give me a second to explain before you blow a gasket ;).

We all go through those times in life where it seems like we can’t catch a break.  A seemingly endless stream of bad news coupled with one tragic event after the other has you standing in front of a mile high brick wall that seems immoveable and insurmountable.  Throw in a health scare and you’ve got a recipe for some dark, worrisome days.

As with most days, there’s typically some good peppered into the bad.  You find moments to laugh, you read an encouraging news story that stirs up the hope and positivity within, or enjoy a rather thought-free and peaceful evening with the family.  You make sure and take all of it in as you can, yet the bad keeps muscling its way right back in.  Each feeling of even the slightest gain in momentum seems to be countered with 10 steps back.

We all like to think that we’re strong and have the mental resilience to withstand whatever life throws our way but I find it funny that these notions of ourselves are typically the strongest when things are going really well.  When life is good, we’re ten feet tall, but let life throw one or two moments of hardship our way and watch the tables turn.

All of a sudden, it’s woe is me.  Life isn’t fair.  I deserve better.  

We wallow in our own self pity and expect those around us to hear us out as we tell our tales of despair and misfortune.  The funny thing is, no matter how uplifting their words are, we exit the conversation feeling just as down as when we walked into it.

Yes, I’m painting a picture of my life as of recently, but I know for a fact that it resonates deeply within so many.  Although we each enjoy the gift of incredibly vast personality and character traits, we are so very similar when it comes to our emotions.  It’s quite odd when you think about it.

So, just for context, back to me for a second…

Over the past week or so, I’ve felt like the recent wave of darkness has been coming to a crest.  Well, at least I’ve been hopeful of it.  As much as I’ve thought that I am handling it all so well, nothing could be further from the truth.  I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I have a way of sometimes sugarcoating my own truth in order to press on with each day.  My thoughts have become consumed with the darker side of things, most of which has been born from nothing more than fear.  That fear has welcomed itself right back in and has taken harbor in my every thought, so much so, that anxiety has been circling, ready to strike, just like the group of grade school bullies as they follow you, relentlessly taunting their way into your head.

I want to remind us all of just what anxiety is.

Anxiety is nothing more than apprehension that stems from the anticipation of danger.

Read that again.  Read it ten times if you must.  Basically, it’s the fear of something that we don’t even know will happen or not.  As crippling as anxiety can be for so many, it’s absolutely ridiculous by definition.

As ridiculous as it sounds, it doesn’t change its potential of being a truly destructive force in our lives.

Yesterday morning, it all came to a head.  Being consumed by worry and fear, I’d had enough.  The most painful realization was that I haven’t been practicing what I preach.  My daily prayers and meditation, these newsletters, all of the talk of leadership throughout each workday, all came rushing to the front of my mind and I felt like a fraud.  I felt like a failure.

Thankfully, I didn’t have time to sit around and dwell on it as I had committed to helping an elderly woman in the neighborhood with the task of moving the heavy items out of her soon to be sold house an into a moving truck.  I’d never met this woman or her family, rather I volunteered through a request she’d put out on our neighborhood Facebook group.  As much as I am always willing to help, my spirits were obviously low and I wasn’t really looking forward to a day of moving.  However, I gave my word so off we went.  Michelle, Stella, and I all drove over there and dove right in to help.  Michelle and Stella helped wrap and box glass and other breakable items, and I helped get the heavy items out to the truck.  We met some of the other people from our neighborhood and enjoyed getting to know each other a bit.  Everyone worked as a team so it went fairly fast.  Within a couple of hours, we were headed back home.

Back at home, I sat down for a quick bite to eat with the intention of getting out on the farm and getting a long list of tasks completed.  Before I could even finish lunch, my dear wife Michelle asked if I could take Stella to her gymnastics class so she could run some other errands.  With limited time each week to focus on the farm, I was a bit perturbed at the thought of having to shelf these pending tasks.  I’m embarrassed to say that I pushed back a little bit and expressed my displeasure at having to do this, but I agreed to take her to class.  Stella and I loaded up, went to her class, and stopped by the feed store on the way home.

Back at home again, I was reminded that one of Michelle’s lifelong friends was coming over for dinner and she was bringing her husband, whom I’d never met.  Once again, I found myself a bit perturbed at the thought of having to entertain guests, especially ones I didn’t know very well, if at all.  I scrambled to get a few things done around the farm and got cleaned up as we awaited their arrival.  We visited for a bit, had a nice meal, and they headed home a bit later in the evening.

Just before bed, I had a chance to reflect on the day and I realized something profound.  Throughout the day, I’d been presented with what seemed to be less than desirable commitments but, just as the divine has a way of doing so, these events served as reminders, each with their own unique purpose.

First, I was reminded of how much I yearn to help others in need.  It is something that brings me great fulfillment, not because I’m proud of myself, but because I am serving a purpose greater than myself.  As I reflected even deeper on the day, I realized just how full I felt leaving the neighbor’s house.  I’d met some wonderful people, and I contributed to taking a huge burden off of that woman’s plate.

Second, I was reminded of just how important it is to live in the present moment.  I can’t believe that I was even the slightest bit annoyed at the thought of having to take my sweet baby girl to her gymnastics class.  After all, in five, ten, or even twenty years from now, I’m not going to cherish the memory of getting the garden areas mowed or fixing the door on one of the coops, but I will cherish the memories of the precious little moments I had with Stella.  It had been a while since I’d been to one of her classes and I was so impressed with how far she’s come.  I was nothing but smiles as I watched her and every time she glanced over at me, it was a big smile and that “hi daddy” wave.  Nothing beats moments like that.

Last, I was reminded that letting my guard down and welcoming new people into my life is the very cornerstone of what we hope to achieve with this farm venture… strengthening our connections to our families, our friends, and our community.  You can’t achieve any of this by just keeping to those you know and not letting new people into your circle.  It’s called outreach for a reason.  My wife’s lifelong friend and her husband were absolutely wonderful company.  I greatly enjoyed getting to know them as we had enriching conversation and shared many laughs.  It was such a great way to end our busy day.

Oh, and do you know what I didn’t do at all during the day?  Worry.  Instead, I experienced joy and fulfillment on so many levels and it has afforded me such a renewed perspective on life in general.

Did I fail?  Yes, absolutely.  I failed to live up to my faith and to my words.  Does that mean I should give up?  Does that mean I should revert back to the days where fear was running the show?  Definitely not.  

You see, that failure is where the lessons lie.  Through divine guidance, the events of yesterday unlocked the answers contained within my recent failures, giving me yet another boost as I regain traction on the path of becoming a higher version of myself.

So, as I’ve said before, let me remind us all…

1) When we give, we receive.  Don’t ever forget the power that comes from serving something greater than yourself.  Do your best to never turn down the opportunity to help someone.

2) Live in the present moment.  When we live in the past or anticipate the future, we miss out on the life that is right before us, waiting to be lived.  Be patient, and enjoy the pursuit.

3) Step outside of your routine when it comes to the people that come and go in your life.  Be open to meeting new people.  Forge those bonds with those within your community and beyond.  Remember, people are inherently good, especially when you engage with them in person rather than through a screen.

I don’t want to cause any misconceptions when it comes to experiencing darker times.  We’re all human, after all.  It’s okay to have those moments where your hyper-focused on the issues at hand.  It’s okay to be selfish at times as you struggle with how to deal with the darkness in your life.  Just remember, at some point, you’ve got to get over yourself and get back to what it is that provides meaning and purpose in your life.  Help a stranger, spend some time with a loved one, or get involved in your community.  Healing doesn’t knock at your door, sit you down, and wave a magic wand over your head.  It flies under the radar, and it works through actions of good nature and intent.  Let it do its thing as you do yours.