After many consecutive weeks of traveling and running at full speed, it feels good to be home. It feels even better to know that we don’t have any travel plans for the next week or two.
When I sit and think about it, I find it odd how home can check so many boxes when it comes to our physical and mental being. It’s such a great feeling to be home, surrounded by our creature comforts and the ones we love the most. It’s where we take that deep breath, let our guard down and allow ourselves to exist in our most vulnerable state.
Lately, I’ve been in a funk, to say the least. I’ve said as much in prior newsletters. The recent and continuing wave of bad news and tragic events hasn’t helped the situation. I’m okay with it, believe it or not and I recently shared the same sentiment with my wife Michelle, stating that I truly feel I’m supposed to be here in this state as there’s something here for me to discover. I have no clue what that discovery may be; I’ll trust in my faith to handle that part of it. All I know is that this is an opportunity for growth as I continue on my journey to become the best version of myself imaginable.
Forgive me for talking about myself and getting a bit off track but it’ll all make sense, I assure you.
A colleague at work recently shared a saying that is commonly spoken throughout the armed forces. “Lead Yourself First” he once said to me as we were talking through our similar quests to grow as fathers and husbands. He spoke of the impact that this saying has had on his life ever since the day he heard it in boot camp and it resonated deeply within me the moment I heard it.
I have held numerous leadership positions with various companies over the past two decades. I’ve been told many times that I’m a natural leader. As flattering as that is to hear, my recent journey through this funk has led me to question that compliment as I take a deep dive into who I really am at my core.
Referring back to what I said about home being where we allow ourselves to be in our most vulnerable state, there’s a level of comfort that we reach at home that I would argue isn’t possible anywhere else on the planet. We are in our rawest form at home. Not that we’re polar opposites with others or elsewhere, whether it be at work or out in the world, but we all know that we tend to put on certain faces in certain environments. I call them filters. Well, at least in my case, that level of comfort, although freeing and peaceful, can often swing the pendulum in the opposite direction.
For example, let’s say you’ve had a really stressful day at work. From the word go, it’s been firefight after firefight and every second has required you to be on your toes and at your best. You’re a leader within that organization and so many depend on you to be the one who remains calm and steadfast, no matter what comes your way. On your way home, traffic is a nightmare. You hit every light and it seems that everyone drank an extra cup of stupid this afternoon before hitting the road. You finally arrive at home. You walk in the door, you greet your family, change your clothes, and spend a minute or two decompressing. The evening progresses and all seems well.
Out of the blue, a conversation leads to a sore spot about finances. The stress starts to creep back in. Before you know it, you’ve taken a simple conversation that can be solved by working together with your spouse and blown it into a full fledged argument. You overreact, to put it lightly. The next thing you know, your whole family sits at the dinner table in silence. The tension in the room is immense and completely unnecessary. Congratulations, you’ve ruined another perfectly good evening.
Those of you who know me know very well that the above example is a page right out of my playbook. Time and time again, I find myself overreacting to the point where no one wants to even approach me. That, or I sit in complete silence and give off the same “please steer clear of me” energy.
Why do we do this? Why do I do this? I bet it’s safe to say that you all love your families deeply and would do anything to ensure their happiness. I know I do. I often refer to my family as “the only thing I’ve done right” (I’m my own worst critic). I think of them throughout every day and the thought of them alone provides the constant reassurance that I am a truly blessed man. Well, if this is the case, why would I take my days out on them? They deserve better. They deserve me at my best yet they continue to get the leftovers. Why? Because I’m not leading myself first.
As we approach our lives outside of our homes, we are programmed to shift our output to be more accommodating to the general public while we simultaneously put on our masks so that the perception of who we are satisfies the demands of society. In simpler terms, we’re taught to be polite, and we should be. Courtesy to others should be a core value in all of us and, for the vast majority of people, I think it is. Unfortunately, we often substitute politeness for honesty. This is where the problem lies. We put on our happy face when we should instead let our feelings be known, especially in our daily interactions at work and amongst the general public. “How are you today?” your boss asks. “Great! Thanks for asking!” you reply, fully knowing that you’re not. “Is there something I can do to help with this project? your colleague asks. “No, I’m on top of it” you say as you continue to feel buried up to your ears in work.
We are eager to please because the recognition offers a temporary reward as we feel valued and worthy. We lead our teams and build them up for success yet we are allowing the expectations of others lead us. We’re not leading ourselves.
How do we change? How do we lead ourselves first? It feels selfish to put yourself before others, at least in my case it does. When it comes to our families we have a particularly hard time putting ourselves before them. We feel the need to take care of them before we even think about tending to ourselves. The problem with this is, by putting ourselves last, we are actually putting those we care about last. Doesn’t make sense, does it? It’s a bit hard to read but it couldn’t be more true.
Another question: If we aren’t putting ourselves or our families first, then who are we putting first? The answer? Everyone else.
When we use the airlines to reach a destination, before the plane departs, the flight attendants go over the safety features and procedures. During this presentation, they address the scenario where the cabin pressure shifts and the oxygen masks drop from overhead. Upon instructing the passengers on how to properly use these masks, they always make sure to remind anyone who has children on board to first secure their own mask before securing those of the children. This seems to go against every paternal instinct, but if you reverse the order and do what your natural instincts tell you to, you are putting your children at risk of suffocation. Read that again. By putting your family first, you risk their ultimate demise. If you are trying to secure their masks but pass out during the process due to restricted oxygen levels, then what good are to them, let alone anyone?
The same goes in our daily lives. If we sacrifice our needs for anything and everyone else, then what good are we to others?
Back to this funk of mine. Earlier this year, I set out on a mission to completely dismantle myself, expose and extract my demons, and rebuild myself into Brad version 2.0. It’s been an incredibly tough but rewarding journey, and it has brought forth a complete overhaul of how I approach each and every day. For the first hour of every day, no matter how I feel, I focus on myself. I work out, pray, meditate, and express my gratitude for all that I have and all that I am becoming. Through the past few weeks, as I wade through some darker waters, I’ve continued my morning routine without fail. Through these new and non-negotiable habits, it has been slowly building a resiliency in me that has allowed me to approach these dark waters without fear. Instead, I choose to stay in these waters as I am certain that another piece of the puzzle awaits my discovery. As you’ve figured out by now via my current battle with leading myself first, the results are not instant. There’s much work to be done still and there always will be. Am I confident that the answers to my current problems will come from this work? Yes, without a doubt. But until then, what do I do?
It all starts with honesty. We talked about honesty a few weeks ago and it’s no surprise that we’re talking about it again. As a core value, it’ll touch every aspect of your life, good, bad, or indifferent. In this case, we have to be as honest with others as we would be with those closest to us at home. When our spouses ask how our day was, we give them an honest response. When our kids ask us even the simplest questions, we give honest answers. Why would we sugarcoat our answers for anyone else? Next time you’re tempted to sugarcoat answer, try giving it to them straight. I’ve been trying to do this more and more lately and, at first, I was somewhat terrified to give honest answers but I was looking at it all wrong. You see, giving honest answers doesn’t mean that emotion has to follow along with it. When we take the emotion out of it, we’re simply being transparent with others as we offer a glimpse into our current state of being. If your boss asks how you are and the honest answer is “I’m okay. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed but I’m working through it.”, then tell them as much. Rather than disappointing them (which is most likely your expectation), you’d be surprised to find that they’ll most likely offer some relief by either taking some tasks off of your plate or by giving you a bit more time to get the project done. Honest answers invite honest reactions. If they don’t know how you’re truly feeling, then they can’t help you through it.
Chances are, this will be difficult for you in the beginning. It has been for me and I still struggle with it as it is so easy to revert back to long standing, engrained habits. However, if you keep the end goal in mind, the goal of giving your family the best of you each day, it’ll get easier as you go. Start small, and build the actions into habit. And please know that this advice is meant for me just as much as I hope it can help you. I’m no expert, but I do know that there is strength in numbers. When we all work on things together, we become an unstoppable force.
So please, take care of others by taking care of yourself first. Your family needs you and, more importantly, you need you.