Oh, be still, my heart. Look at this little guy. So unique, so fun, so adorable. This is our son, Aiden, some many years ago. This little guy completely transformed our lives when he came into this world, as children have their way of doing. We were in our late twenties, which seems so young to me now, but we were ready to welcome our little man into the world and embark on the greatest adventure of all time with him, the adventure of parenthood.
We knew so little about being parents, but we both come from a strong family unit so we had support and guidance at every step. That being said, even with guidance, no one ever knows the challenges that come with parenting until they are faced with them. Just as so many things do, it seemed so easy on paper, but you learn really quickly that nothing is easy when it comes to parenting. Rewarding? In every sense of the word, but difficult nonetheless.
I’m speaking for myself here. My wife would most likely tell a different story as she is and always has been a natural at being a loving, nurturing mother. She was simply built for it. Granted, she’s surely faced challenges, but if there were report cards for parenting as there are in school, she would’ve been on the Gold Star Honor Roll. Top of her class in every subject.
As for me, my report card would look much different. I don’t think it would be full of failing grades, but I’d have spent my fair share of days in detention and summer school. I am undoubtedly my own worst critic, so others might say that I’m being too hard on myself and, for many years, maybe they were right, but as I continue on my journey to become the highest, most unimaginable version of myself, this reflection has become a teacher in itself.
When Aiden was born, I had a fire inside of me that burned as bright as the sun. I was in the beginning stages of entrepreneurship as I bootstrapped an ornamental welding and fabrication company, and I was all in, undeterred by any thought or chance of failure. As we welcomed Aiden into the world, I was so enamored by him and so proud to have a son of my own. That fire inside burned even hotter and brighter as I now had an entirely new purpose to conquer the world and give my family anything and everything that their hearts could ever desire. I put my head back down, and worked day and night, weeks and weekends, on a quest for prosperity. With great pain, I’ll be the first to tell you that I have very few memories of Aiden as an infant. I simply wasn’t around enough to form those memories. When I was around, I was exhausted, stressed, and distant as the business world was steadily lashing me. Granted, I do have those few memories of moments with him, and I cherish those above all others, but the rest is a blur. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing and, frankly, what society has come to expect from a parent. Work, work, work away and establish those careers. The parenting has seemingly become the secondary focus.
Fast forward to around the time that this picture was taken. I’d experienced many triumphs in business along with some first hand lessons in failure, and it was taking its toll on me. I do feel like I was better about being more present with my family during these times, but much of that came through demands from my dear wife, and she was right to insist that I spend more time with them. I did my best, but I still felt that I was coming up incredibly short in regard to my quest to hand them the world on a silver platter. I have many more memories of Aiden during this time, but I have more of those nights with my head in my hands, wondering how I was going to keep making ends meet.
During the years that followed, there were many ups and downs, both personally and financially. I tried my best to be more available, and I feel that I was during the good times, but there were also the darker times where I crept into the deep recesses of self pity and an endless barrage of self doubt. I was always “around” but only in the physical sense. At every request for something new, whether it was a need or a want, my response was always “I’ll see what I can do” yet the actions behind those words slowed to a crawl, even stopping at times. All I could feel was failure on my part. I couldn’t get past the fact that I was not providing for my family, therefore feeling that I didn’t deserve happiness. The empty promises and assurances piled up, and as naive as kids can be most of the time, Aiden began to see right through me as the fire inside of me had been reduced to ashes. He was always understanding, at least vocally, and he was so patient with me during these times. That boy is brilliant beyond his years. He always has been. He just gets life in general, and he’s always been just fine on his own. I’m pretty certain that he was born with this independence and natural insight, but I also fear that some of it came through adaptation to a less than desirable environment at times during his earlier days.
Aiden is just a few months away from becoming an adult. In recent years, he’s been able to witness a revival in my spirit and my determination to constantly strive for growth, and I feel that his faith in me has been restored, at least I pray that it has. He and I have had many opportunities to talk about things lately, and there has been quite a bit of healing on both ends as we are able to dig through those times and put any unresolved issues to rest. I feel it necessary to say that I have always been a loving father, and I’ve always “been there”, but I’ve fallen short of so many of the things that are required of a father, but I had a stark realization last night that has allowed me to finally turn the corner when it comes to all of this pain from my past.
Stella wanted to watch a movie with me last night so, of course, I obliged. As we scrolled through the options, we came across a movie that Aiden and I used to watch consistently. We’ve probably watched it over fifty times. I convinced Stella to watch it with me, and she reluctantly agreed, even though Spongebob was her initial preference. As we watched the movie Meet the Robinsons, a Disney animated film, I was flooded with memory after memory of not only watching this movie with Aiden time after time, but of the memories of him during that time in our lives. We had so much fun together, watching movies, wrestling, and playing Mario games together. It was nice to sit with Stella during this movie too, as it served the perspective of just how far I’ve come and that I have the opportunity to make similar memories with her. The ending of this movie is one of the best story endings ever, and the accompanying music pulls quite hard at the heartstrings. As the ending played through, I was overcome with emotion. The warm memories brought extreme happiness, but a dark cloud followed as I recalled just how much I missed and thought of how much better I could have been.
Lying in bed a bit later, I asked Michelle if I was present for Aiden like I am with Stella. She didn’t even hesitate. “No.” she said, taking no time at all to think about it. I knew the answer. I’m not even sure why I asked. She went on to explain that I was a much different person back then and that the past was the past. I love how direct she can be. If anyone out there ever wants a brutally honest answer, I’ll get you in touch with her ;).
What followed her answer was unexpected. Typically, especially as I carry the pain related to my shortcomings with Aiden so close to my heart, this response would have resulted in a heavy heart and another session of “should have, could have, would have” as I dwelled on the past. But instead, I realized she couldn’t be more right (don’t tell her I said that).
Looking back, I wasn’t perfect. I could have done a lot better. I could have chosen a much safer and more secure source of income. I could have made better choices in regard to business and partnerships. I could have listened more, talked less, and let work take a backseat as I focused on the things that truly mattered.
Most importantly, looking back, I can’t do a damn thing to change the past. What I can do is keep moving forward. I can be present in Aiden’s life, just as I am these days. I can learn from my mistakes and use them as fuel to be a better parent today and every day forward. I can erase most, if not all, of the pain of my past by looking at it as the teacher rather than the executioner. I can love more, listen more, and make better choices. I’d say I can talk less, but good luck with that, people ;).
It felt good to feel what I felt last night and it feels great to write it down as I share it with you all.
Every one of us can look back and find things that we could have done better, or differently. We can let the past define us and limit our growth, or we can learn from it and embrace the education that comes with the mistakes and failures. We can sow new seeds that will emerge as new opportunities to branch out and reach new heights. As the mistakes of yesterday decompose, they fertilize the soil for our roots to thrive in.
Let’s all grow together. Let’s be vulnerable and honest, and let’s harvest a new crop, each more bountiful than the last.