You know that feeling you get when you come to the realization that you’ve been drinking the same Kool-Aid that you spend so much of your time warning others about? That sinking, heavy feeling in your gut and the spinning in your head… it’s not a fun feeling. It’s almost as if you’ve been caught red-handed with your hand in the cookie jar, but even worse. Yes, even worse than being called out by others is the fact that you’ve busted yourself and, on top of it all, you yourself didn’t even realize you’ve been doing it for so long. Imagine that you’re running through the neighborhood on a morning jog… you glance to your right to wave hello to a neighbor and SMACK! You run right into a street pole. That’s about how I felt last night as I was lying in bed after a long day.
Christmas time is one of my favorite times of year. The lights, the music, the sweets and treats, they all serve as reminders of such wonderful times as a kid. I am thankful to have such warm memories of Christmas during my youth as I know that so many aren’t fortunate enough to say the same. For the most part, I still view Christmas through the eyes of my younger self, but I find it interesting to experience this time of year as an adult, and especially as a parent.
I often think back to the Christmases of my youth. I think we all have these recollections of key moments or special gifts. One that always comes to mind is how my brothers and I used to have to wait for our sister to “get ready” on Christmas morning. While we sat and stared at the packages under the tree, she was doing her hair and putting on her makeup so that she would look good for the pictures. It was torture (Hi Steph, love you!). And speaking of pictures… I’m not sure about y’all, but our Pops always had a camera in hand, not only on Christmas day, but year round. This is something that I look back on with gratitude as we now have countless photo albums from our youth that captured so many cherished moments in our childhood. However, when it came to Christmas, he took it up a notch. From the moment we stumbled out of the bedroom, still half asleep, to every gift that was opened, the camera flashed like the paparazzi, and I do mean every gift. “Oh, look at that! You’re Grandma Boots sent you socks? Hold them up and smile for the camera!”
These are just two of many wonderful memories of the Christmases of my past and I owe it all to my parents as they made absolutely sure that we always had a magical Christmas, let alone a wonderful childhood in general. For clarity, I’m speaking of my mom and my step-dad and, as you may know by now, my step-dad was a dad to me in every way, shape, or form of the word. I’m not taking anything away from my biological father, whom I loved dearly, I just wanted to be clear for those of you that have followed these newsletters from the beginning and know of my story.
Anywho… when I reflect on these times, whether it be the Christmas mornings, the family gatherings and huge Christmas dinners, and everything in between, my parents were the constant in these memories. In one way, they were the constant as each Christmas was just as wonderful as the last. What stands out the most, however, was the stability in their presence and how happy they always seemed to be to provide the life that my siblings and I were so fortunate to experience. Sure, there were times when they were noticeably stressed, but as I reflect on my own actions as a parent, I can’t say I’ve carried on this tradition very well, which brings us back to last night as I laid in my bed.
This has been such a unique year for me. Personally, it has been year one of a profound transformation as I am digging deep to reconnect with my true self and to become the best version of myself imaginable. This has come with some highs and lows, but the rewards continue to prove positive and I am incredibly excited to continue on this journey. Financially, ‘unique’ also fits the description. We’ve spent a whole lot more than we ever planned on spending this year, and it has come with our unfortunate venture back into some debt, but it was all money well spent as it gave our son his own place here on the farm and it helped us expand and strengthen our infrastructure as well as bring on additional offerings such as the pasture raised chicken. I’m glad we did it, and we’ll spend the year ahead knocking that debt back down and enjoying the benefits of these investments.
That being said, December has been a brutal month and has forced us to greatly reduce our Christmas budget and even eliminate other gifts and celebrations such as our wedding anniversary and my wife’s birthday. Granted we’ll still ‘celebrate’ these milestones, but it will be on a shoestring budget at best. This has been tough on me as I love nothing more than giving gifts and providing a wonderful holiday experience for my family. As I laid in bed last night, I found myself caught up in a frenzy of worry and self-doubt and, as I reflected on the recent days and weeks, it became clear to me that I’ve had it wrong all along.
As if I were a car manufacturer and I’d just released a new model that was missing the engine, I horribly misplaced my priorities over the past few weeks. I’ve been consumed by our financial situation, so much so that I found myself apologizing in advance to my son the other day as a warning that he will get far fewer gifts this year for Christmas. A few days later, I was shopping for some gifts and was reduced to the overwhelming feeling of panic and anxiety as I swiped my card to pay for them. Yesterday, my wife and I were wrapping presents and I kept getting more and more frustrated with my wrapping jobs as they looked like a 3 year old had attempted to wrap a present. I’ve been on edge and distant, all during my favorite time of year. As I thought through all of this last night, it took me back to those Christmases of yesteryear, and it all hit me.
I don’t remember 99.9% of the gifts I’ve ever received for Christmas, and I surely don’t remember how well they were wrapped (with the exception of the ten rolls of tape that my Grandma used to wrap each present) but I remember every smile, every comical family event, every Christmas song we sang, and every hug that came with a thank you to my parents. I remember the warmth of the love that my family shared and still shares today. When I apologized to my son the other day, he looked at me like I was crazy. Why? Because, just like me, he could care less about the gifts. You see, the same bond that my parents and my siblings all shared exists in my family today. As kids, all that mattered to me and my siblings were actions, not things. What mattered was the time we spent together. Money never entered our thoughts. I now realize that the same goes for my children. They don’t care about the money that I spend on them… they don’t even give it a second thought and, just like me, they won’t remember many or all of the gifts I ever gave them. What they will remember, is me. They’ll remember whether or not I was happy and present in the memories that will shape their perspective of their childhood. They’ll remember my actions and how those actions affected the family.
I’m so embarrassed to say that I got caught up in the side of Christmas that I loathe and alway have. I’ve never understood how people can get so caught up in the most meaningless parts of any tradition, while the valuable parts are left unnoticed. As I write this, I am convinced that I could take every gift that sits under our tree, give them all away today, and we would still have a wonderful Christmas. In fact, the more I think about it, our highest levels of excitement come when we talk about what we’ll do for Christmas, not what we’ll get.
So tonight, we’re going to hang out together and decorate Christmas cookies. Christmas movies and music will play in the background, we’ll laugh, and we’ll love every minute of it. Tomorrow, my kids will open their gifts, as few as they may be, and they’ll love them, but they’ll love the feeling of being part of a loving family, that much more. Most of all, I’m going to enjoy my favorite time of the year. Time with my family, time with my friends, the sights, the sounds, and the flavors will matter, not the gifts, and definitely not the money. This is what it’s all about, people. I know I’ve been walking around with a giant glass of Kool-Aid, and I hope that you’ve been able to steer clear of the distractions, but I mean it when I tell you that all of the money in the world won’t ever replace the love of family and friends. I pray that you all have loved ones to share this magical season with. If you don’t, I invite you to sit at our table.
And last, let’s be real… most of us are stressed right now. Heck, most of us are probably stressed year round, I know I am. But just as I’ve recently talked about carrying the Christmas spirit of generosity and kindness throughout each year, I challenge myself, along with all of you, to do the same when it comes to how we wear our stress. For me, this will be more challenging than if I were to run a marathon. Like I’ve always told my friends and family… if you ever see me running, you best join me as there is something terribly wrong happening behind me ;). However, I’m going to commit to the marathon, so to speak. I have to do a better job of letting the little things go and focusing on what really matters. I want my kids to remember a kind and loving father, and they deserve nothing less. I want my wife to enjoy my presence and to look forward to these times of the year with me and not dread them because of how stressed I’ll be. I’m going to conquer this, and I hope you commit to do the same. I personally know so many of the people that read this newsletter, and I must say that so many of you have set wonderful examples as to how I wish to be with my family, and I thank you for it. After all, that’s the fundamental core of why I do this… to bring communities together as we are there for each other through thick and thin.
So Merry Christmas to you all. Please remember what matters as you look around the room tomorrow morning. See the smiles, hear the laughter, and feel the warmth. They’re the greatest gifts of all.