Such a powerful word, control is. As powerful as it is, I’d say it’s even more misleading, not so much in the definitive sense, but in how we interpret its relation to us and our lives.
As we talked about last week, I’ve committed to a deep dive into the Stoic philosophy, which has included daily readings of the works of Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus, as well as the modern day interpretations and adaptations of their words and how they still ring true in the modern world, centuries later. A common theme has already started to emerge and it is that of the concept of control.
Each day of this past week has been met with countless examples of how control plays its role in my life and it has brought with it the stark realization that I’ve long had a backwards approach to it all.
How many of us find ourselves focused on the things that, in all reality, we have no control over whatsoever? The actions of others, the anticipation of the future, even things as simple as the weather… we spend valuable personal resources trying to “control” the outside world yet our minds run rampant with chaos and our surrender to things such as fear and influence.
Imagine a circle drawn on a blank piece of paper. In fact, if you’re so inclined, go ahead and draw one for yourself. Inside of that circle, write the words “my mind”. On the outside of the circle, write the words “everything else”. Although this example presents a vast array of challenges and personal reflection, at the very root of it, it’s incredibly simple. All that we can control in life is our mind. EVERYTHING else is outside of our control.
Makes you kind of mad, doesn’t it? The fact that you can’t control much of anything can give that feeling of hopelessness, almost as you’re throwing your hands up in defeat. “I can’t control anything, so what’s the point?” It’s a natural first response, but once you start to put this into practice, that hopelessness is replaced with absolute power.
Those of you who read these regularly know by now that I work in a high stress environment where many others depend on my rational judgement and action to ensure that a fluid operation is maintained downstream. The construction industry has a knack for introducing chaos into any and every situation imaginable, no matter the level of planning that took place prior to said events. It’s like sitting in an atrium… the birds fly from branch to branch, while some peck for food on the ground. The lizards and other creatures go about their business and there’s a peaceful harmony that only nature can produce on such a perfect level. All of the sudden, twenty kittens are thrown into the atrium. That’s about how it goes. Something so natural and easy can instantly turn into a kitten-herding bonanza.
I like to think that I’ve done well so far in my career when it comes to my ability to remain calm and calculated in situations of chaos, but some recent reflection, as well as presence, has given me insight to some key issues that require my attention. While I indeed may appear to be the calmest guy in the room when chaos comes calling, my mind doesn’t mirror that of my physical presence. In fact, my mind is mirroring the actions of those involved in the situation that are in a visible state of panic. It’s as if I’m talking myself off of the ledge, which is better than letting panic ensue, but all that I end up offering is the mere illusion of calm rather than a calm mind to accompany that presence, allowing for calculated and precise action in order to quell the “fire”, so to speak. After all, appearances only go so far… actions must follow in order to produce results. Playing dead isn’t an option, nor is running around the room screaming.
Throughout the past week, as chaos came knocking, I did my best to remain present in the fact that everything that was happening was beyond my control. Even harder, I did my absolute best to willingly accept this fact. If you’ve ever had that dream where you show up to school without pants on, that’s about how it felt at first. However, and much to my surprise, I soon found myself doing this almost as if I’d been doing so for years. With each “triumph” came a sense of calm like no other, yet it was inside of my mind as well. This unfamiliar (although welcomed) feeling was all the confirmation I needed that I’d been looking at things all wrong for so very long. It’s an addictive practice, too. All week and over this weekend, I’ve applied this mindset to so many things… traffic, news events, incoming inclement weather, and the list goes on. Through the acceptance that I can only control my mind, meaning my thoughts, my perception and judgement, my ability to reason, and so on, the actions that follow are so fluid and precise, it brings a state of peace unlike any other that I have ever felt.
“But what about our bodies? Our minds control our bodies so we, in fact, have control over our bodies as well, right?”
Not so much. I’ll give an example.
Yesterday, I received another punch in my “Old Man Card” and it came in the form of a pulled muscle (and pinched nerve) in my neck. No, I wasn’t fighting ten men or climbing Mount Everest… no, I was simply walking into the bathroom. I turned to close the door, and I felt like someone stabbed me in the top of my spine with a hot icepick. Oh, the fun I was having. All of the sudden, I was in severe pain and there was no position that brought relief. I was stuck with it. I’m no stranger to pain as I have lived a life that started out with a decade of skateboarding, and was followed by countless years of working with heavy iron in sometimes treacherous conditions. As I continue to age, the rewards of my years of self abuse continue to pile up on the trophy shelf.
For many years, my pain has had a tremendous influence on my mood and presence. Typically, when things like what happened yesterday happen, it ruins my mood and I make sure everyone knows about it. If I’m in pain, everyone’s going to join me. It’s quite the pity party, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but it is what it is. Yesterday, I decided to take a different approach. I did tell my wife Michelle about it, but I did so with a much more factual approach rather than the typical “woe is me” approach. To add to the fun, yesterday was a busy day that started with taking little Stella to her gymnastics class, followed by some last minute preparations around the farm for the incoming freezing weather. After that, I prepared some food that I was taking over to my folks’ place where my brothers and sisters and their families were all meeting for a late Christmas celebration. Through all of it, my neck hurt. It hurt worse than most any other injury I can recall in recent years… but, you know what? It didn’t make “me” miserable. It didn’t affect my mental state… I wouldn’t let it. What came of this mindset was an evening full of love and laughter, one which I was present for and happy throughout. My neck? It hurt the whole time, but I didn’t have any control over that, so I let it hurt, and had a damn good time in spite of it all.
So, no, we don’t control our bodies. In fact, an even better example is one of a dear family member of ours… She has been battling brain cancer that has taken a severe toll on her body, yet she still has the same spirit, the same laughter, and the same positive outlook on life. We’ve all seen examples of this. I know I’ve often found myself wondering how someone with such a grim outlook can be so positive, and truly so, not just on the surface. Well, I’ll tell you now, I’m starting to get it.
The things that we don’t control should never control us. The list of things outside of our control is seemingly infinite, and that’s okay. When it comes to our bodies, an ailment or injury can present itself in the blink of an eye; it’s completely out of our control. However, that shouldn’t dampen our spirit or our outlook on life. We control how things affect us through sound judgement, a willing acceptance, and appropriate actions and reactions.
And I know that most of you may be sitting there thinking about how overwhelming this all seems. I get it, I felt the same. I figured I’d be chipping away at this and wouldn’t start to “get it” for months, possibly years. Well, I was wrong.
Don’t believe me? Try it.
Go for the low hanging fruit… that thing that really gets to you… the bad driver in traffic, the annoying or abrasive coworker, the grim news report. Take it in and let it know that it no longer has control over you. Then… let it go. It’s so freeing and you’ll want to do it over and over again.
Make no mistake, this doesn’t mean that your passion and desire for a better world or local environment should leave you. Keep those desires close to your heart. The key difference in accepting that they are outside of your control will be a much more calculated step forward to turning those desires into fruition. After all, we can’t control the actions of others, but conversations can be had and people can change. And remember, sometimes it’s us that needs to change. A sound mind will ensure your upper hand, and the cards will typically stack in your favor. In moments of defeat, acceptance will guide you right back to action as you repeat the cycle, and cut the strings to all that pulls you outside of the circle.