The Table

We bought a table yesterday.  It’s an older one, and it’s really well built.  My guess is that it was built sometime in the 1950’s, back when things were built to last generations.  Its solid wood, most likely oak, and it was painted white at some point in its life.  It has many little marks and scratches that would each tell a story if they could talk, and the chairs offer the same character that only time can build.  It’s the perfect addition to our little farmhouse and it has me feeling like a king in his castle.  That may seem silly to some, but I have long wanted a table for my family to sit at, together.  From the home cooked meals, the schoolwork, the card games, and to everything else in between, I’ve wanted a table that stands ready for all that life has in store for it.  Our son Aiden just moved into the studio apartment we built for him so it freed up the perfect amount of space, and we knew just what to do with it.  We’ve been searching for the right deal for a while now, and it’s as if this table chose us as it randomly popped up in an online post and was maybe two miles from our place.  I didn’t even have to strap it down as I took a back road right from their place back to ours.  We unloaded it, set it in its new home, and I sit at it this morning as I drink my coffee and write this newsletter.

I know what some of you may be thinking… “Why is he writing about a table?”  He must be running out of ideas to write about.”  Yes, it’s just a little table, there’s one in almost every household in America, perhaps the world.  We looked at dozens of tables and, to be honest, any of them would have been fine.  I do think that this table chose us, and I’m glad that it did, but it’s not so much the table itself, it’s what it represents.

The more that I dig through all of what has made me the man I am today, the more gaps I find in my soul and my spirit.  Think of an electrical circuit…  Just one circuit may provide power to multiple lights and outlets, but if there’s even one gap anywhere in that circuit, many of those lights and outlets won’t work.  I’ve discovered quite a few bad outlets along my journey, and I’m working to restore power to them as I go.  It’s a project for sure, one that will take time and patience, but it must be done.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve also discovered many fixtures that have power to them, they just needed a new bulb or simply turned back on.  With the initial focus on those “quick fixes” my spirit brightens and strengthens with each additional new light, and it leaves me in a much better condition so that I can get in the weeds and start the heavier repairs.

This table has restored one of those connections that had long sat dormant and in need of repair.  As I sit at it and imagine all that it will see as my family grows year after year, the light in my soul brightens more and more, just as an electrical repair brings light back into a room that’s been dark for years.  You start to notice things again that you’ve walked past time and time again.  These things start to awaken thoughts and feelings inside of you as they serve as reminders of someone you used to be.  The lights keep flickering on, one by one.  In my case, the most surprising part if these discoveries is the simplicity of them all.  It’s not like I’m reawakening a genius inside of me that was on the verge of solving world hunger, yet the impact these simple reminders have on me are just as profound.

I’ve always wanted it all.  “Driven” is one word for it.  From a young age, I’ve wanted to be anything and everything to anyone and everyone.  That sounds weird, I know, but it suits me perfectly.  From my very first job at a pizza place, all the way to my current job, I’ve ended up in management in some form or fashion.  I see opportunities to improve a system or a culture, and I set a course to make it happen, letting nothing stand in my way.  The same goes for my hobbies.  I’d be at a concert of a local acquaintance’s band, see how my impact could help it be that much better, and before you know it, I’m in the band.  When I do any design/build work, I don’t ever replicate a design or product for anyone.  You get a truly one-of-a-kind product that is yours and only yours.  I could go on and on but I think you get the point.  I can’t ever be satisfied with what I have or where I’m at.  I’m going to push for more, with greatness as the goal.

When I met my wife Michelle, this drive within me was amplified exponentially.  I told her in the very beginning that she made me want to be a better man, and she has, in so many ways.  The problem was that my perspective of what a “better man” looked like was horribly wrong.  I’ve spent the better part of our marriage trying to conquer the world, yet I have only succeeded to leave a trail of destruction in my wake.  With the best of intentions, I’ve built two companies into very successful enterprises, but my relentless quest for “more” has led to the toppling of said companies.  I paid no attention to the foundations and these structures buckled as a result.  I’ve trusted in many others as an employee, with the promise of partnerships or a stake in the game, but again, my sites were set on the end result which blinded me of the trickery that was right in front of my face.  I stand on the other side of those events a somewhat broken man that is working hard to pay for his short-sighted attempts at “greatness”.  As I’ve written about before, I once let my failures consume me, which led to some incredibly dark times in my life.

I just wanted to give my family the world.  I wanted to give them a life that no one could imagine as we answered to no clock, no employer, and no limitations.  With each passing failure, I got even worse.  I’d aim even higher so that I could make up for it all when my ship came in, yet I just kept sinking us deeper and deeper into oblivion.  I wanted to give them everything, but all they wanted was me.

Have you ever looked for your keys or your phone for an almost ridiculous amount of time just to find that they were in your hand the whole time?  This is exactly what I did for the better part of two decades as I searched everywhere for gold, not realizing that I had it the whole time.  My wife, my son, and my daughter sat there patiently and watched me turn over every stone, hoping that the next one held the treasure, when they in fact were the treasure themselves.  You hear the saying all the time… “Family is everything.”, and it is, but these were just empty words to me for far too long.

It’s not that my family didn’t want the world… in their minds, they had the world right in front of them… me.  They didn’t care how much money I brought home or what vehicles we drove.  They didn’t care where or how they lived.  All they cared about was a man that they saw as everything.  They cared about a man that sat in silence and anguish each night.  They cared about a man that worked into the night and rarely made it home in time for them to see him before going to bed.  They cared about a man who apologized at every step for the hard life he had created for them.  As for me?  What did I care about?  I honestly can’t say I know.  I love my family deeply and would happily give my life to ensure their survival and happiness, but my actions were those of a selfish man.  I might have thought I was doing it all for them, but history tells a much different story.

Fast forward to present day…

I can’t change what I’ve done, and I have finally made my peace with that fact.  I will continue to do my best to right any wrongs and to embrace the value of all that these experiences have taught me.  My journey has only just begun, and I look forward to restoring those connections, just as this table has done.

Tonight, we’ll have our first meal at this table, something my family has never been able to do in this house so far.  It won’t be a grand event; we might even just eat leftovers, but what it will be, is enough.  I will look across the table at my adoring family, and I’ll, for once, have enough.  These three people have waited patiently for a father and a husband to sit at the table and be present and content in the moment.  They’ve waited patiently for a man that knows that all the riches in the world will never compare to the value of family, nowhere near it.  I consider myself blessed to know that they’ve saved my seat at the table.  It’s an honor that I will no longer take for granted.  For if this is all that there will ever be for me and my family, then we’ve definitely achieved greatness, and the world is indeed ours.