Writing the Next Chapter

 

If I’m being completely honest, I don’t want to write this one.  I’ve been dreading it all week.  Yes, you read that correctly; the highlight of my week has been a real point of contention inside my head over the past few days.  

I say this not because I’ve grown tired of these newsletters (and by no means do I ever plan on stopping), but because of the subject matter within this week’s message.  I often find myself hesitant to write some of these newsletters as I feel that I’m going too deep and am risking alienating an audience that I deeply love and appreciate.  “This is the one” I often say, thinking that I’ve taken it too far.  Luckily, the very ones that I feel go too deep are the ones that garner the most positive responses from you all and I am beyond grateful, each and every time.  However, this truly may be “the one”.  Maybe it’s because I’m still adjusting to being so vulnerable with such a broad array of people, most of whom I’ve never even met.  It’s also quite possible that I feel that I write too much about me, even though I do so simply to provide an example and to assure you all that I am coming from a place of experience rather than just jotting down random inspirational nonsense. Whatever the reason may be, I just can’t shake the feeling.  Is that going to stop me?  Not a chance.  

Alright, so let’s all lock hands and, on the count of three, we jump into the deep end. 1… 2… 3!

As the title suggests, I’m writing a new chapter in my life.  For the first time in an incredibly long time, I feel that I have a blank sheet of paper before me.  That paper represents a chance, an opportunity.  It represents something that I honestly never thought I’d have again… a chance to get it right.

“Get what right?”, you may ask.  My answer?  Everything.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… My life hasn’t been full of mistakes.  After all, I have a wife that I often feel I don’t deserve, and she has given me two absolute treasures, our son Aiden, and our daughter Stella.  I am blessed with an extended family unit that fills my soul at every thought and encounter, I have a small but unbreakable circle of friends, and I have enjoyed a fairly rewarding career in an industry that I love.

All that aside, I have been fighting a winless battle in most every other aspect of my life.  The list of examples would occupy far too much of your valuable time, so I’ll be as broad as possible.

The cursor on my screen sat there, blinking away at the end of the last sentence for quite a while.  I just sat and stared at it as I struggle to find the right words.

I guess the best way to describe it is… I’ve been at war with myself for as long as I can remember.  Man, that was hard to write.  It’s so ironic, but I am fighting with myself as I write this as if I don’t want to admit something that has hindered my growth for decades.

That gives me a chance to talk about something other than myself for a second.

Change.  

We all seem to want change in our lives.  Whether it’s something as simple as a better financial situation, or something major like the things I’m addressing here today, the daydreams of change occupy many of our daily thoughts.  The kicker?  As much as we often long for change in our lives, we fear the very things that will bring that change.  We hope and yearn for something different, yet we fight tooth and nail to keep things the same.  

Why do we do this? Why would we contradict ourselves and prolong something that could offer profound growth and development?  I’ll tell you why.  We’re afraid, not of the change itself, but of the steps it will take to turn that change from a daydream into a reality.

Let’s look at change on a small scale for a second.  Let’s say we’re ready to start eating healthier.  We’re going to cut out the sodas, candy, fast food, and all the other food and drink items that make us miserable and switch to a healthier diet.  Most of us don’t make it past day one.  Even more of us don’t even get to day one.  The very items that we are putting into our bodies are giving us noticeable physical ailments, they are affecting our moods and energy levels, and they have become something that we don’t even enjoy that much anymore.  Even as we’re indulging in some of these sweet and savory delicacies, we can’t stop thinking of how much we don’t want to do this to ourselves anymore.  Yet we keep on keepin’ on.  For the strangest reasons that are so puzzling to me, the very things we loathe offer us comfort all in the same.  

Now, let’s take a look at change on a life-altering level.  In my case, my recent deep dive into self discovery and development has left me with some stark realizations that are hard to swallow.  Some examples? For one; I’ve always had trouble being open and honest with so many.  Not that I go around with the intent to deceive anyone, but rather to guard their feelings and mask my perceived failures or mistakes.  Another big one; I have always thrived on chaos and disorder as it is so often the very distraction that I need to keep my eyes off of myself and my own issues, and instead focus on saving everybody else.  I bring calm and order to others while my internal chaos reigns supreme.  

I could go on and on but you can see that this is quite a bit more involved than simply deciding to put down a doughnut and pick up an apple, although I don’t mean to discredit the challenges that come along with something that seems so simple on paper.  However, monumental change touches on every aspect of our being rather than simply being one contributing factor.

I’ve recently taken some baby steps, and even a few decent leaps towards correcting these behaviors and, even though they’ve required considerable discomfort, they’ve been quite rewarding.  Freeing is another way to describe it.  Most importantly, it’s made me feel like me again.  These undeniable and unwavering currents within me are pulling me towards a younger man that I am so much more familiar with.  A young man with unapologetic passion and conviction, a creative spirit and open mind, and best of all, the drive to achieve the things that he wants to achieve rather than what he thinks others wish for him to achieve.  All of this being said, and as freeing as it has been, I am still having trouble admitting that it’s happening.  I am still scared silly of it all, and I am finally starting to understand why.

You see, when change comes into our lives, it’s a two-fold approach.  On one end, it brings a bright new beginning and a glimpse down a new path.  On the other end, and without fail, it requires the turning of the page.  It requires letting go.

Have you ever read a book that has one of those chapters that never seems to end?  It feels like it just rambles on, beating the same dead horse.  Hopefully that isn’t the way you feel about this message today ;).  Once you finally reach the end of the chapter, you’re so ready to move on to the next one.  Well, that’s the way I feel about the chapter I’ve been writing for the past twenty years or so.  It’s run its course, and I’m finally ready to admit that I want to move on.

It’s not like I have a list of things that I am ready to move on from, I just know that certain aspects of my life will be left behind in this chapter when it closes.  It’s a bittersweet realization, but I won’t run from it any longer.  After all, I talk often about becoming a better version of ourselves here.  Just like a software update on your phone, some features become obsolete, but are replaced with far superior features that make the user experience that much better.

I’m wide awake for the first time in a very long time and I want to reassure you of something.  For any of you who might be facing some decisive changes in your life, it is indeed an emotional rollercoaster and will require some things to end, but it is entirely worth it.  As one who is seldom short for words, it’s hard for me to describe the feeling.  In my case, it’s almost as if I’m a kid again and I have a clean slate in front of me. I’ll just keep with the theme and call it “freeing”.

So please do this for me.  Better yet, do it for yourself.

First, stop sorting through your baggage.  Leave it.  There’s nothing in there worth keeping.  Next, take a look at yourself in the mirror.  Take a long look.  I know this sounds easy, but for me it’s been one of the hardest things to do for a very long time.  As you stare into the mirror, find yourself.  Look beyond the surface and find you.  Remind yourself that you are changing and that it’s okay.  You’ll still recognize yourself on the other side, I promise.  Last, and perhaps the hardest, know that you’re worthy of it all.  Your mistakes only define you if you let them.  Your self worth is not a depreciating asset and the value is determined by you and no one else.

I end every newsletter by saying “get out there and show this world what you’re made of”, and I mean it.  I want you to unleash yourself and shine like new money.

As for me, the sun is setting on a chapter that’s end is long overdue.  I don’t quite know when dusk will come, nor do I know what the night will bring, but I know without a doubt that the sun will rise and a new chapter will begin.  I’ll bask in a new light and will have a renewed opportunity to practice what I preach and show this world what I’m truly made of.