Michelle and I were goofing around last weekend when we took this photo but as soon as I took a look at it, our entire journey together so far flooded my mind and I haven’t been able to shake it ever since.
We’ve been together for almost twenty years now and just like every other marriage, we’ve experienced our share of ups and downs. We’ve shared magnificent highs such as the births of our two wonderful children, and we’ve navigated immeasurable lows such as financial ruin and even times where we weren’t sure of our future together. I know… join the club, right? Sure, our journey hasn’t been unique, but I often feel that, as a result of our journey to date, we’ve acquired something that, at least in today’s times, can be considered unique and quite rare.
Growing up, I never quite new what I wanted in terms of marriage and kids. I was all over the place as a child and young adult, so I never sat still enough to really consider what that would ever look like for me. Being the product of a divorced family, it made it even more difficult for me to imagine myself in a stable and long lasting relationship, especially one that involved children.
Michelle and I met years before we ever even thought about one another as anything other than friends. We both lived pretty fast lives at the time, so our sights were set on the present as we rarely stepped foot into the visions of our future selves.
The evolution of our relationship just sort of happened and it started out as most relationships do, light and fun. We weren’t the ideal picture of a couple, either as we were both incredibly stubborn and fiercely independent. Let’s just say that the early days of our relationship were never dull or boring. Many of our friends had front row seats and popcorn in hand as they never quite knew what Brad and Michelle were going to get into on a given night. If those days were a movie, there would’ve had to have been a new rating added to the current system. I’d call it rated “H” for “Holy cow, you two… give it a rest!”
Our love was just as fierce as the other elements of our relationship, which is what I attribute our success to today. Through our darkest times, even those where we were so unsure of our future together, our love remained an unbreakable chain that bound us together.
Fast forward to today, that chain still holds strong. Forged of fire and passion, I’d challenge anyone or anything to try and weaken even one link. As I have lately found myself reflecting on the past two decades, I’ve come to a blatant realization that I haven’t quite allowed myself to see. What we have that is so unique and rare is simply… us.
Crickets, huh? Yeah, I know, it doesn’t make much sense, at least at it’s written.
By “us” I mean our approach to each and every decision we make. By “us” I mean the trust that binds our hearts and our minds. By “us” I mean the steps we take… together… in the same direction… as one.
When it comes to our love and our marriage, “I” am not Brad and “She” is not Michelle. We are “us”.
Granted, each of us have our independent thoughts and dreams. We each pursue our own hobbies and milestones in our lives as individuals. But “we” don’t let any of it prevent “us” from standing as one unified force that acts with a calculated approach to anything and everything that affects our love and our family. We put these needs in front of anything else and let them guide our hearts as we navigate through all the other peripherals that contribute to who we are as individuals.
Now, don’t let me fool you. It hasn’t always been this way. Those dark times that I mentioned? Those were the direct result of each of us putting ourselves before “us”. Take a look at any successful military operation throughout the history of time. These armies, made up of individuals that come together and put the needs of the mission before their own, achieve victory as one. The same history books will tell you the tales of those armies that did the opposite and failed.
In love and marriage, some may see this as sacrificing their dreams or “settling” as they feel forced to choose one or the other. Well, as life is not a fairy tale with unlimited happy endings, there is some truth to this. In the cases where two people in a marriage have their own dreams that pull them in completely opposite directions, hard choices do have to be made. Either they find common ground, or they go their separate ways. This is why I say that Michelle and I have something that is unique and somewhat rare. Sadly, the majority of couples today opt to go their own way rather than finding common ground and accomplishing their dreams together. Just as I always talk about how common ground is what has held this country together for the past 247 years, the same goes for marriage. Just as is true in politics, there’s always common ground. It may not seem like it, but if you work at it, you’ll always find it. Best of all, the common ground that is found is often a much better option than those of a more selfish nature.
Last, and perhaps most importantly, I’ll reference the first half of the title above… Side by Side. This is what I have the most trouble with when I look at most relationships today. I see two people in competition, rather than in unison.
In order for any of the achievements above to happen, you must stand together, side by side. Not one in front of the other or vice versa, but side by side. Let’s say you’re the “breadwinner” in the relationship that works and provides for your family’s financial needs. This doesn’t make you special or superior in any way. You are merely contributing to the unit as a whole. On the other side of the spectrum, if you’re the one who stays home and tends to the kids and the other needs of the household, this in no way whatsoever makes you inferior. Your voice carries equal weight. However you split or share the roles of provider, protector, nurturer, or otherwise is completely up to you as a unit but these roles do not define a hierarchy. They are simply pieces of the pie in a pie chart that make up, you guessed it, one whole circle.
I encourage you to take stock of your relationship and truly evaluate your strength as one. Set aside any preconceived notions of dominance or obedience as you establish a brand new perspective on what a marriage should be. Talk about your dreams. Talk about your roles. Talk about your future. Just do so hand in hand, side by side. That, as you will find, in an unstoppable force.
Whether you do this today, tomorrow, or one day down the line, make sure you let your partner know how much they mean to you. Let them know how much their contributions mean to you, and don’t ever take them for granted. Love them for who they are and what they do, and let them love you the same.