I’ll be 47 years old come this August. 47. I know, to some, that this seems young. Others consider 47 to be “old”. Personally, I’ve always struggled with the relativity of age. On one hand, I see age as simply a number and nothing more. I guess you could say that, at heart, I’ve always felt that “growing up” can be likened to a death sentence. That being said, as the years have taught me, it’s not that simple. With each and every passing year, age requires our attention as we surrender certain things of our youth while simultaneously holding on to all that, at our very core, makes us who we are as individuals. It’s a juggling act, and it can be bittersweet at times.
I’ve only recently started to allow myself to “dig in” to all things age-related. For so many years, this was a forbidden subject for me simply because it leads to that inevitable end… death. But, as my recent journey has (thankfully) brought to light, death is nothing to be feared. To me, it’s simply the end of one journey as we transition to the next. What’s “next” is left to our imaginations, our beliefs, and there’s no right or wrong answers for any of us as we simply do not know and will not know until our time comes. That’s a topic for another day, though. Let’s get back on track.
I was driving home from work on Friday, and I’d decided to play some music. I typically listen to audio books or podcasts as I drive, but I needed a break from all of that, so music it was. I stumbled across an old favorite of mine and immediately pressed play. The band is my all time favorite, a band called Descendents, and as I drove with their playlist blaring, my favorite song came on about halfway home.
The song is called ‘When I Get Old’, and the lyrics are from the perspective of the singer, wondering what things will be like when he gets old. It’s such a great song and it has always resonated with me, but hearing it for the first time in quite a while, it hit me so much differently than it ever had before.
As it played, I reflected on my days as a very young man who’d just ventured into adulthood. Back then, if I was driving, music was playing. Music used to be everything to me. I lived and died by the songs of my favorite bands, and Descendents stayed in heavy rotation. As I drove home on Friday, this song playing, I was swept back to those days of me driving around, listening to the very same song. I remember the countless times where I’d think about what it would be like when I myself got old. I lived a much faster life back then and I often found it incredibly difficult to imagine me making it to “old age”, given that I had no real grasp on what that “age” would even be. It was tough for me to even picture myself at age 30. Again, as I struggled with age and what it inevitably led to, I’d stop short of any concrete imaginings and get on with being young, dumb, clueless me (I say that endearingly).
There was a moment during this song on my drive home where I laughed to myself at just how clueless I really was back then. In all fairness, I think that we’re supposed to be quite clueless at age 18. In my case, as is the case for many of us at that age, I thought I had it all figured out. I’d go to college, get a job in animation or commercial art, make a ton of money, and still have time to play in a band and party with my friends every night. Well, let’s just say that I am a college dropout, I’m not a paid artist, and that “ton” of money is nowhere to be found. Yes, life had something far different in mind for me, at least career-wise. I did still manage to party with my friends every night for far too long, though, but I’m happy to say that those days are finally behind me. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the occasional night out with friends, but as ol’ Hank Williams, Jr. famously said… “the hangovers hurt more than they used to”.
Some of life’s twists and turns came from my own decisions, both good and bad, but many of them simply came from circumstances beyond my control. It’s just what life does to us all.
For the rest of the drive home, my mind played a slide show of the past twenty-eight years and I couldn’t help but wonder what the young me would think of the man I’ve become. There’s a line in the song that asks “As I travel through my time, will I like what I find?” and I still struggle with the answer. I think there would be a big part of that young man that sees someone who abandoned his dreams. I feel that this would come from a place of ignorance or naivety, as the irresponsible actions of that young man were what led to some of those dreams going by the wayside. That being said, I think that he would also be proud to see that I have held tight to certain things such as my sense of humor, my taste in music, and my unwavering commitment to being unique and unapologetically me. It’s such a strange thing to think about, our younger selves meeting us today. After all, we have no idea what we’re doing or even talking about when we’re young, and I think you know what I mean by that. We think we know it all, yet we find out otherwise pretty dang quick. I think, for me, the takeaway from this “meeting” would be something like a checkpoint. It would serve as a reminder of who I once was at my core and to make sure that I haven’t strayed too far from myself in exchange for money, career, politics or otherwise. Our pursuits can often drive us down paths that we wouldn’t typically take if our true selves were at the wheel. We all venture down these paths from time to time, but it’s imperative that we keep our compass close at hand.
As the slide show in my head came to and end at present day, my mind then looked ahead into the unknown. As I took stock of the man that I was back then and the man that I’ve come to be, I realized that, in this moment, I am as clueless as I was at age 18 as I thought of what the future might hold. I have no idea what the next twenty-eight years will bring. I know what I’d like that future to look like and I am going to give my all to achieve a life well lived, but the fact is that I won’t know until that day, as I look forward to my 75th birthday, and press play once again on my Descendents playlist.
Hindsight is always crystal clear, and I don’t know how fair it is to judge our past based on who we once were and what dreams we had for ourselves in those moments. Life happens to us, we’re just here to experience it. With so much of it being beyond our control, we must navigate it as it comes, just as a ship navigates the open and often unforgiving seas. Let us keep our ships in good order, ready for every storm. I’ll name mine ‘Resilience’ and I’ll let her guide me to fair skies and open waters.
Fair sailing to you as well, my friends.